Sunday, June 29, 2014

Holy Shit, Williamez: Where You Been?

Hi J.Williamez fans and friends from around the globe!

So it's been a while since my last blog post, but don't worry: That doesn't mean I don't love you! And it certainly doesn't mean that I've stopped my important work on J.WILLIAMEZ: 52 SONGS! I will achieve world domination yet!

Since my last post, I've recorded a bunch of new songs! I'm gonna squish them all into this one post, because, frankly, that's how I roll. Also, you'll notice that I'm a few weeks behind at this point in the game, but don't fret: that's also how I roll. I've been working pretty hard on my fringe show for this year (called: "The Ballad of Peter Cotton Balls"), so if you've got a problem with that, you can suck it! ;)

Here is a brief description (and a handy link) to all the songs I've put out since my last blog post:

(10) If a Tree Falls

This song is about mimes and how shifty and untrustworthy I find them to be. I don't advocate violence towards them, necessarily, but I do believe that if you give them your change, you're simply encouraging the scourge on our society that is mime-ism, or mimery or whatever you call it.

If you don't think mimes are shifty, then consider this: What would YOU do if you were caught in an invisible box?  I can tell you what I'D do: I'd scream my fucking head off for help. I would not be asking for change, that's for sure!

(10) If a Tree Falls

(11) Naked Fat Girl

This song is the true story and a slice of life living in Osborne Village. It's pretty self explanitory, and I certainly don'y want to give away the twist surprise ending to the song, so just have a listen!

(11) Naked Fat Girl

(12) Sad Sad World

Writing this one was a lot of fun, and I learned 2 very valuable lessons:

1. If you write a song about baby on baby rape and throw a little bit of Time Travel Hitler in there, your mom probably won't like the song. Mine sure doesn't.

2. If you write a song making fun of your cat for being fat and getting poo stuck in her butt hair, there is a good chance that she's get the Leon Trotskies and then sit on your chest smearing her runny poo all over you as the ultimate revenge. Mine sure did.

(13) Lonely Iguana

Lonely Iguana was the first of a set of three songs, that I've sort of been calling my "Strange Reflective Phase". It's the story of a sad, lonely iguana, who has loved and lost, and isn't sure if he can ever let himself be vulnerable again.

This song includes what is unquestionably the greatest keyboard solo in the history of music. Have a listen and tell me I'm wrong!

(13) Lonely Iguana

(14) I Don't Care

This song is what happens when you spend too much time on the internet. In it, I feel like I was able to successfully alienate every single person I know, including myself... It's a fun one!

Normally I'd say I hope you like, but for this one, I genuinely don't care.

 (14) I Don't Care

(15) Apricot

This one, despite having generated zero interest from anyone, is probably one of my favourites so far. It's not really funny--just really weird, but musically, I'm really happy with the way it turned out! Also, I feel like another weird surrealist song was the great way to end off my "Strange Reflective Phase".

(15) Apricot

(17) The Nerdy Worm Gets the Birds

This is my most recent song, and one thing is for sure: This one is for the Ladies!

The idea for "The Nerdy Worm Gets the Birds" came to me as I was memorizing pi to the 23rd decimal spot for no good reason. I realized that doing something that cool would no doubt make me completely irresistible to the ladies (who as we all know are attracted to nerdy wimpy types), so I figured I'd write a song out of it to get maximum lady-mileage.

(17) The Nerdy Worm Gets the Birds

Well, that's all for now, but keep checking back, as I've got a lot more songs coming your way in the next few weeks, including "Robot Love" and "An Open Letter to Kevin Bacon"!

16 down, 36 to go!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

It's time to Cure Cancer, Once and for All!

Hi Folks!

I'm finally back with another song. I have three others on the go right now, but the idea for this one came to me earlier today, and I banged it out in about 4 hours, start to finish.

Song number 9 of 52 is called "Cock in a Sock" and it's about the current trend of hot guys taking nude pictures of themselves with (you guessed it!) socks on their cocks, under the guise of raising awareness about Cancer.

To me, this just seems like a lame excuse for narcissistic guys to post naked photos of themselves, and then feel like brave fucking heros for having done it. Why not just jerk off into a cup while looking in the mirror and then give that to cancer?

Whatever you views on the matter, I just think it's fucking sad that we would need to fall to this kind of depth to get people interested in donating to cancer research. If cancer is a bad thing, then we shouldn't need naked pictures of dudes to entice us to help support the search for a cure.

Anyway, maybe it's just me, but I hope you like song #9: Cock in a sock.

9 down, 43 to go!

(9) Cock in a Sock

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Fuck, I Hate Winter in Winnipeg!

Wow, J.Williamez; tell us how you really feel!

Because I fell behind a bit on my songs, I decided to power through a quick one or two. But in order to write a song, you need at least a little inspiration.

In order to inspire myself for this one, I went outside for a walk in our wonderful Winnipeg winter wonderland, and this is what came of it.

Hope you like it! And keep checking back for more songs to come soon!

8 down, 44 to go!

P.S: You'll notice that I did not create a kid-friendly version of this song, even though every second word in the song is "fuck". This was intentional. It's due to the fact that, as Winnipeggers, I believe it is more important to teach our kids how to properly complain about the weather, than it is to teach them not to swear.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Anachronism or Anachronawesome?

Scholars and theologians have long debated how we can reconcile the word of the bible (which taken literally implies that the earth and the Universe are around 6,000 years old), and the fossil records which seem to prove that the earth is in fact, slightly older (around 4.54 billion years old).

This week, I've decided to use my song to see if I can solve this debate once and for all, so we can all just get along.

This week's song is called "T-Rex Jesus". And I really hope you like it.

Although it is not my intention to offend anyone in any way, I understand that when it comes to subjects like religion, some people can be very sensitive. That's why I've come up with a solution for those who take offence.

If you are offended by this song (or any of my others for that matter), please place a ten dollar bill into an envelope and send it to:

Fuck You, J.Williamez
7-535 McMillan Ave
Winnipeg, MB
R3L 0N4

Upon receipt of your ten dollar bill, I promise to give myself a good smack.

Until next time; thanks for following J.Williamez: 52 Songs!

7 Down, 45 to go!

(7) T-Rex Jesus

Monday, February 24, 2014

The Puppies are here! Finally!

So, it was bound to happen eventually, but this week's track is really really late; and I'm not even a little bit sorry. Let me explain:

This week's song, entitled "Puppies"is going to be one of the chart topping hit singles that will be instrumental to me in my take over of planet earth. Seriously. This song is gonna take off immediately and rocket me to super stardom. Probably some time tonight or tomorrow afternoon.

As such, I was unhappy with the first four versions of the song that I recorded over the last two weeks. So I kept rearranging, rerecording and re-imagining the song until I was happy. Unfortunately the process took longer than expected, but I'm not one of those asshole singer/comedians who is happy with an inferior song about drowning puppies. Maybe it's just the way I was raised, or maybe I have a brain disorder, but I just love you all too much you drop a steaming bowl of subpar and undelicious puppy music in front of your ear bellies.

The one lesson I've learned from this whole experience is that I need to stop caring about my stupid songs so much. They can't all be #1 chart-topping hit singles. In fact I think I just need to stop caring about stuff in general.

Anyway, because I'm behind, I'm putting off the video that I've been working on for puppies, so I can finish off my next song called "T-Rex Jesus". I promise I will not be a perfectionist about this one.

6 down 46 to go!

(6) Puppies

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Finally: A Song About a Squirrel

Well, it's week five of 52, and I've finally caved. Due to the thousands of emails I get every day from fans asking me to write a song about a squirrel, I've decided to do just that. This week's song is called "Benjamin" and it's about a misunderstood squirrel who prefers the nerdier things in life. As promised, I've also made a children-friendly version of the song as well because, as we all know, the children are our future!

So please enjoy "Benjamin", and stay tuned for next week's song, which is called "Puppies", and which will be accompanied by a somewhat disturbing video.

5 down, 47 to go!

(5) Benjamin

(5.5) Benjamin (kidz edit)

Monday, January 27, 2014

Songs the Whole Family can Enjoy!

Well, it's week 4 of 52, and I'm still going strong!

This week's submission is called No Pants Ranch and I have to admit, I'm pretty pumped about how it turned out.

Since there are a few objectionable words and concepts in it, it's the perfect way for me to introduce a new initiative I've developed called, "J.Williamez: 52 Songs for Kids".

For every offensive or questionable song I release for this project, I'll also be releasing a kids friendly version of the song that the whole family can enjoy!

Check out both versions of this week's song to see if you can spot the difference!

4 down, 48 to go!

(4) No Pants Ranch

(4.5) No Pants Ranch (kids edit)